Larry Wachs at Steve Rickman’s wedding in 2014. CREDIT: Rodney Ho/rho@ajc.com
The recently ousted Regular Guy Larry Wachs now has time to write stuff. He sent me this unsolicited piece about what Super Bowl foods to avoid. He knows about timeliness! This would be a fairly useless story to post in 72 hours. He will also be on Mara Davis‘ Atlanta Eats Radio on 640/WGST-AM at 11 a.m. to discuss food.
SUPER BOWL FOOD TO AVOID
The following are examples of food, that if served at your Super Bowl party, I guarantee I will be leaving within 30 minutes. Strong drink in hand, social lap around the room, and DONE!
I don’t want this lesson to be in the negative. Many people may read this and shout, “Well, what SHOULD we be serving?” It’s a fair question because the Internet is flooded with lists of what one should NOT do in a social setting.
So let’s cool the inflammation and begin with that. What SHOULD you be serving at your Super Bowl Party?
Grilled meat.
In order of preference: Beef, beef, beef, beef, pork, pork, chicken, beef, beef, beef, lamb, beef, beef, veal
It’s the SUPER BOWL!!!!!!! It’s the number one American holiday after Christmas. Maybe bigger at this point.
Just because the government doesn’t recognize it doesn’t mean it isn’t a big day. What do those morons know? Most of them are gonna lay in bed all Monday anyway. AND YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR IT.
Why on earth would you serve food not even suitable for a preseason tilt between the Falcons and the Jags….at the SUPER BOWL!!!!!?????
Grilled meat is BOLD. It makes a statement. It says so much about you. Grilled meat is the prime driver of health in humans, despite what you may have heard. So get your grilled meat on for Super Bowl and people will like you more.
What else? Anything that goes well with grilled meat. Which is a lot.
Vegetables
Potatoes
Pie
Wine
Tequila
Vodka
Beer
Marijuana
Massages
To name but a few.
Okay. Now that your mind is focused like Ritalin on the right culinary direction during Sacred Sunday, let’s laugh together at some of the tomfoolery and hijinks that passes as Super Bowl food passed out by friends who must not want your friendship any more.
A bad Super Bowl party always starts with PASTA SALAD! I’ve never been to a fun Super Bowl party that has a heaping bowl of You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me.
You know who eats pasta salad? The Obese. Why? Because they think they’re being healthy.
Well, they’re not. They are only praying that hope triumphs over reality. It’s loser food. GET IT OFF YOUR SUPER BOWL MENU!
Who doesn’t love some CHICKEN WINGS during a Super Bowl Clash?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Chicken wings are a regular season food. AT BEST.
You’re taking the wings off a bird that doesn’t fly and eating them. Some hunter you are. Lazy prick.
Chicken wings are a lazy food, but that’s OK if you’re by yourself “coaching” your fantasy team by watching Red Zone with diapers on for 7 straight hours during Week 10.
To compound the problem, most chicken wings served at parties are shitty. Making good chicken wings according The Original Anchor Bar Recipe takes skill and experience, which few drive-by chicken wing servers have.
Most people buy them at the Publix cleverly marketed as “party trays” packaged with some wan celery and soybean ladened “ranch.” How a piece of land got to be a food flavor is beyond the scope and comprehension of this article.
Other people attempt to make “oven-baked” Buffalo wings which is like making grilled ice cream. They are guaranteed to send your guests to the exits.
Chicken Wings are loser food. GET EM OFF YOUR SUPER BOWL MENU!!!!! NOW!!!!!
Finally, what better way to tell your guests you put your kids’ nanny in charge of the BIG GAME festivities than to serve A SHRIMP RING!!!!
Did an appointment suddenly become available Saturday afternoon at the anal bleaching place? Come on!!!!
A shrimp ring is a collection of farm-raised shrimp stunningly arranged Rockettes style to divert the customers attention away from the poor quality of these poo-eaters. You might as well eat poo. These shrimp are much like the killer whales in captivity who go nuts suddenly one day and eat a trainer in front of the kids.
Don’t get me wrong. These shrimp are harvested before they can murder, but what I am saying is they have a lot of emotional problems being penned in and not allowed to roam free. I think they’re cloned, too, some of them.
The derelict host who serves a SHRIMP RING at the Super Bowl Party reliably accompanies it with a cocktail sauce of astounding weakness, an aimless ketchup with a mere glimmer of horseradish undertones present so as not to offend the dormant palates of the Uncrustables crowd.
THE SHRIMP RING. Americans, please. GET THEM OFF YOUR SUPERBLOW MENU (that’s not a typo) PRONTO!!!!!!!!
Well, I’ve got a Big Green Egg to fire up and some brisket to rub down, so if you’ll excuse me.
What commonly served Super Bowl foods do you hate? I’ll consider them for the list.
Yours,
Larry WACHS
@houseofwachs
